Since the age of 28, and the mental tsunami I went through, I have experienced myself as part of a whole that surrounds me, which is also physically experienced as a center in me. I feel seen by it and by the surrounding Nature I am in. Strongest during my solitary walks in the mountains. But also here in the forests that are close to me. The sky above my head is experienced as a cosmic embrace from which everything is constantly created, and behind everything, are all forms of life existing in a psychic totality, of which my inner being, my psychic double, the one we refer to when we are reflected back to ourselves, is a part, and express itself through me. He who alternately follows me during the day and who I follow at night. In all this a moral balance arises. A kind of mental foundation on which everything is based. Our inner truth, and an underlying order in everything that is balanced by its own inner law bound to a justice that cannot be experienced with our outer senses. It is the one law we cannot challenge without severe consequences both to ourselves and to the surrounding nature. It is experienced in the consciousness as the spontaneous insight that follows us from within. A light that is accompanied by the insight that allows us to see through things and what happens, and that it is a natural balance between who I am and the morality that is included in it.
I know, this may seem strange, but it is my description of the sense of context and relationship I have with the nature that I grew up with. Both internally and externally. My inner conversation has been going on there since early childhood, though not visible to those around me other than during spontaneous outbursts of insight that were not immediately seen or recognised as a result of my age. I lived with it and trusted it.
When I am now able to formulate it as a psychic reality, and also try to understand the influence it has had on me in all the contexts I have been in, where it has been expressed, I can see how bound I am to nature. To a much larger immense whole, and to those who have existed before me, and those who are close to me now. It is in the mutual interaction with all this that made it possible for me to approach my inner other.
It’s like finding a myth I lived with, and have tried to grasp and understand. I have related to it in various parts linked to my origin that kept it alive. But then my spontaneous interest spread to the Egyptian creation story through the discovery of Maat. The balance in everything I have struggled with since the age of 28. And Atum, the underlying psychic substance everything is made of, and my being is connected to, the ongoing creator, father and king, or why not our spontaneous insights of the undercurrents we see of ourselves in events and people from the larger whole of our interior, and in parts of a totality that is transferred to an external authority. Also, Nut and Geb. The experience of the depths of the sky above us, and our physical connection to the earth, to the sun, to Ra, our consciousness that is accompanied across the sky by reflection and balance, with Maat, and Toth’s insight, to re-emerge from Nut in a daily recurrence. When Nut and Gebs embrace release their grip and become a new day. I can go on, it’s an inspiring story that constantly gives me mental nourishment every day. Not the story in itself but the experience it contains for me. And it makes sense to get out of bed early and listen to how it interacts with me in relation to my surroundings. Listening to my timeless nights, and go hiking. It makes what I perceive within me an absolutely living reality. And I can formulate something that is otherwise only experienced, and realise that it is something that I actually live in. Generally I do not like to personify it, but in different contexts it feels wonderful to me when the two are connected as a single whole, because it makes me return again to where my first experience of it came from.
I can see no other purpose in my life than to continually strengthen the bonds I have with experiences that I make of this kind. Without them, everything just becomes empty words.