to be a child and discover what one is not

A rather strange but important thing happened to me quite early in my life. As part of a whole that was given up to a certain point, I suddenly did not experience it as a part of everyone who was in it. I began to feel the obvious that others’ relationship to what it was, was not like mine. Somehow their version of it differed from mine. Of course, I opposed theirs. And like all children, I often crossed the line with it just to make sure my relationship was still there, to clearly claim it for myself and establish it. It was my whole, my second center. My feeling of an inner friend and advisor. He seemed to know everything and he also gave me advice that I could trust that no one else could do in the path of my development, which made me understand things and mature in my approximation to it and in my own way. Somehow this psychic companion was the most important influence I had, and together with him I tested his reality against the ones who was outside of me. The hardest part, the one that caused most of my conflicts, occurred when I had to neglect some of my own content because what I knew from there did not exist as part of the content that was outside of it. It was not a joint reality anymore. Or what it looked like to me. It was incredibly confusing, and without this whole’s relationship to nature, I would have been completely lost. Maybe I would even have been forced to become all that I had rejected as it did not belong to what emerged from my being. But nature also belonged to this totality and interacted with it as they where intimate parts of each other in an embodied sense. In a physically experienced presence. Without nature, I do not think that my sense of a this greater part of me, this wholeness, could have had the meaning it still represent for me. It is a difficult conflict that arises when we are born in a psychic sense, and our surroundings only look at their own needs to be confirmed. The person we are meant to get close to, who we have within us, does not get the support he needs to be able to trust what its senses convey to him. They both, even Nature itself become subordinate to the needs of those around him to unknowingly suppress the psychic reality in which they find themselves. Instead, we begin to build on a content without the interior relationships that we are dependent on, to be able to have a connection to them for what they are in themselves. Instead of a pseudo-reality in which our importance becomes greatly exaggerated and we lose touch with our inner being. The opposite is alternately just as common, to underestimate one’s own significance and exaggerate someone else’s. We even learn to confuse that reality with the source of what we have within us, which makes us imagine that we are something other than what we are. We are never really properly reflected by our inner friend of Nature herself. But by writing this down I draw my attention to it, and it alerts me that what I write is not about the importance of that content, but of something of a common experience that I in one way or another share with everyone else.