my second nature

When I was still very young my psychic presence got activated in a kind of second inner personality which separated me from others. It never got seriously appreciated by the people I had around me, and I didnt know what had happened to me. I just started to know things and act according to its intentions, which surprised my surroundings as it was not always in relation to my age, and a lot of things I was suppose to conform to appeared as obstrusive to my interior personality. So I opposed it in my own way. Often as the child I was, but also as a part of this conflict I was involved in with him. This relation led me to enjoy spending much of my time on my own. Listen and talking to him. I did some of what others did, but I preferred to do it by my self, and on my own. That was also a conflict I carried within me. I knew what was right, what I had to pay attention to, but it was not what others did. To me, they seemed to be all over the place and that also did serve a purpose to me. Behind all that, I could follow this voice, watch it on my own. But from a certain point in my life, in adolescence, it became an open wound and a terrible conflict, and for many years I tried to handle it with a determined focus on just one, or on just a few things which I repeated slavishly. Like training and reading, stuff like that, just to keep my intrusive inner personality from interfering in my life. It was not to be successful in the long run. When I was around twenty eight I broke down. I could not hold him back any more. The most important thing about this when it happened is that I remembered that I felt a relief of the tremendous guilt to others that I no longer could stand. I had wrestled with that for such a long time that it tore me apart. I had for a very long time invested others with the guilt of not attending to what my second personality really was to me. I feared them as they where carriers for this guilt and its intense pressure on me, of the power coming from what he was. I could not approach them with this. What could they possibly know about such things, and I had lived with it my entire life. With what it’s dependent closeness to nature meant to me. I had to follow him and painfully accept that others did not. To the point that they like what I did from time to time, rejected their relation to its presence. My guilt came from this inability to recognize where it came from, and why. It had nothing to do with others. Or their distorted adaptation to their factitious social community. Thus ignoring the power of the guilt coming from this relation within us. Which for most people just means self-medication with alcohol or psychopharmaceuticals. Or just slavishly follow one’s own or someone else’s uncompromising regime. Invented or deliberate, it does not matter which. It serves the same purpose. As much as our bad conscience of wrongdoing someone else comes from the relationship we have to our inner other personality, and we fear the right to avenge it from the one we have wronged through the power of the second personality seen through the one we have wronged, that right is not ours, but consists of our relation to the one we have within us, and the remorse that arises in that relationship. It belongs entirely to him. Most importantly, I can also see how this takes shape in my grandson as much as I saw it in myself, my experience overlap this, and I will carefully follow this as he grows up.