the primary guilt of not being me

For as long as I can remember, there has always been a kind of reverse guilt, as if I have always wronged my inner personality in an outer sense. Or somehow not obeyed its true nature because of my surroundings need to suppress it, and that their need of attention has been mixed up in me with my inner person, with their lack of paying attention to its significance for them within themselves. Anyway, in a reverse way, that relationship turned into a constant failure to match what emerged from that encounter in me with what my surroundings conveyed to me. I seldom experienced any genuine coherence between them, it never completely met with each other. Which is obvious as they can never be the same version of that meeting because there are two different kinds of it, also, the meeting takes place externally, outside the person for whom it has its unique meaning, and that is the original guilt. That is why I / we have such an unpleasant tendency to correct others instead of paying attention to them. The only way we can atone for it is when we realize it, and pay attention to it, and hold it back. Endure the violence that our resistance causes within us. Because in the end, it is about our own relationship to ourselves, and our moral responsibility to the person we constantly carry within us. Our true nature. The guilt I feel here comes from this person maturing in me with my help. It’s not my guilt, I have not created it. But it is my responsibility to give it back to this inner person of that embodied Nature he appears in, and from which this guilt occurs. Because far back in a cultural sense, this relation was something else, before it got collectively distorted by the insanity that resulted from compulsive Christianity, of the violence that compelled people in my background, my ancestors, to deny the old working attitude they had to themselves, to each other, and to the life that was all around them.