we are nature as one

When I am out hiking or in the woods, or in the mountains, I have always felt seen by the nature that surrounds me. It has confirmed me through my experience of it. It is as if the nature that I myself consist of has been confirmed by the one who surrounded me. But since adolescence there has also been a worriness that did not belong there. It was bigger when I was not out in nature, and almost completely disappeared when I was in it. Later in life it has come back from time to time. And been strongest in periods when I was far from nature. Since it did not originate from there, I began to wonder where it came from, and I realized that it was transmitted. I have always enjoyed spending time with myself. I have never been worried about it, instead it has been the other way around. I liked that more than spending it with people. So I left my thoughts on it a bit half conscious and waited to get an answer. And some time ago, I got it.
Loneliness is often not perceived as the integrity we need in our conversation with ourselves. Or as our need to develop an individual independence to the psychological powers that influence us. I began to see that I had taken over other people’s anxiety about this, their loss of an active inner conversation because as a young person I semi-consciously sensed that it was trying to exist in people between them and themselves. It is like living in a world of intentions but without form or material reality. I wanted them to formulate what this was. Their abscense became my concern. And a period before my teens, this substance became so difficult that I became afraid of the dark. It had gone so far that I was constantly aware of the influence it had on the mood of my environment. How that affected them. Made them distracted and disappear. I felt abandoned in their darkness. As if their association with themselves was somehow connected to my presence. That was what I later took with me out into nature. Sometimes I did not feel part of it at all, but I was tense and anxious all the time. It was new to me and the longer I was out the more relieved I became until it almost disappeared. But the feeling has come and gone all the time until the answer came. Even the fear of the dark reappeared when I lost touch with my nature. But then I realized that it was not mine. It was someone else’s, and a worry that was placed in me to try to control me with christian guilt. For a while, it even took my nature away from me. Imagine my surprise when this came back much later in my life to force me to go through it again. And this time I could see where it came from. Because it was an unconscious need to adress what I perceived in my parents, it created the constant attention for this that I carried with me into adolescence. And since it was an unconscious need that was not mine and yet obvious to me, it also came to be portrayed as fear of the dark. As an unknown influence. A darkness from outside for what was not yet comprehensible that affected me. To a child this is what was once called black magic. But now I could really see that when we loose the relation to the nature that exists all around us, and which is also something that interacts with that which exists within us, then we may come to replace it with an unhealthy need for attention and care that extends too far beyond our own integrity, which accompanies the anxiety that arises from causes that made us loose it. But most importantly, when it comes to children, it is important that they get to know that it is not theirs to worry about, or carrying. It will only obscure the view of the relationship we must establish with our raw nature within, which make us one with it outside of us. Any genuine relation depend on it.