the vessels of my artificial personality

When I was young, it was any young woman who could take on the defense of my integrity, the authentic energy that was my unlimited experience of who I was both mentally and physically, that could embody that process, the relation to who I thought I was, that also became my girlfriend. It was really not about who they were, but rather about them being able to conform to my inner portrayal of how my defences repeated itself through them, and to a world that wanted me to represent something I should be, instead of who I really was. The inner true experience of my self who was prevented from perceiving the world in an authentic way by not being recognised, that learned to defend himself against a psychological intrusion behind an artificial personality was then mixed with my original or primordial function of the feminine. It then turned into a fantasy, or a role, an actor. It was created as much to protect me from the wounds of my inner self by a denial of my true inner being, as by allowing my self-indulgence to be compensated by an adaptation to this artificial personality that I pretended to be. That defence was then transferred to a woman for her to live up to if she in turn did the same with her primordial masculinity on me. So that her defence against her qualitative energy and what she really was, was something I also adapted to for her, to bring into her existence. This is my experience of how we unknowingly tries to open each other up to our selves, how we constantly are looking for someone who can do that for us. If they are of the same gender one way to think about it is that we have a need to secure, confirm and heal our relation to what we are i our relation to our personal beingness. If they are of the opposite sex, I think it is to reconnect to the voice of our inner calling. I can see how this works all around me. We really live in a world of a different kind than what we are told.