the force of collective individuality

Yesterday I took a hike and went into the forest surrounding the place where I live. I do this on a regular basis. Usually I have a deep sense of being in a physical symbiosis with nature when I am out on these walkabouts of solitude. But this time, I felt distressed. I had a hard time relaxing. To find the frequency that gives me a clear sense of place. So I started to do what I always do. To listen. This uneasiness was really causing me a discomfort, not in anyway related to where I was. And it dawned on me. This was the part of me that I used to connect to for getting things done. A kind of heroic focusing on achievement. It had nothing to do with my present beingness. My hiking trip. This part of me was more of an “old” part. Not something that I connect to and use today. It was this heroic feeling of making a cause out of an impression that consumes you when you are young. Something one projects into someone or something else when you where in need of its energy to focus on what you where doing, and bring that to its completion. But now it was really causing me a great discomfort, and stressed me up. I really felt bad. But I started to listen in on what it was doing, and I calmed down a bit. It was definetely something I brought with me. It was like a “person” that was forced on to me from the outside, and it linked me up with this energy within me which I was very familiar with from my past. But now it was just causing me a lot of distress. I really felt that I had to defend myself from its intrusion. And since I brought it with me, i concluded it must have been triggered by something beyond me. So by having a kind of dialog with it, I began to understand his intentions. He was trying to turn my hike into an “achievement”, a cause. As he always did with everything when I was younger. But in my current situation, I had no need for that. So, why did he appear to me at this moment? The answer emerged into my mind. When I am not in my “being” spending time on my own, with myself in close relation to nature. I am connected to this collective individuality. And that individuality comes from the mind of my relation to the collective consciousness in part transferred over to me by my father, and by other men. It is what I identified to and related to about him. It was his relation to his collective individuality that I was relating to now in the woods. It was his introjected aspects of a collective consciousness and its behavioural patterns that was projected on me, which I brought with me into the woods. And now this ”personality” of the collective was badgering me, it wanted to push me forward. To make me heroic and turn my beingness into a deed, and my impressions into an action of achievement. But here I was, alone in the woods. There was no need of any such thing. I started to calm down and come to, relating to where i was, and resettle myself in my being. I realised that this was something I have carried around inside for a very long time. It was making me feel cornered, frustrated and tempered in a lot of situations. It was an act, something I was suppose to be with others, outside of my being. This, I could not submit to. It is not what I am, and certainly not what I should be out here in the woods. This collective consciousness of our parents that we learn to relate to as our psychosynthetical or psychological “fathers”, do not create a solid relation for us to distinguish our impressions from our actions today. Many of us has lost the ancestral relation to that kind of mindset. We do not learn from old people by example how to find distinctions within ourselves, to personal relations of that kind on our own, to this form of solitude, and to the individual beingness we learn by our mothers connected to earth. Instead their needs to conform will turn us into collective beings outside of our own reality without a genuine physical relation to nature. We end up in a lifelong extension to their conformity, and in a personal emptiness of eternal achievements leading us nowhere. Just to show what we are good for. We act on every impression, on every idea. And while we turn them into words, we also turn them into “things”. But out here in the woods, there is nothing of that, there is only the knowledge of reflection created between the impression and the act. And everything instead turns into an “act” of listening. What I really learned out here in the forest today was, from where our mental stress today actually originates.