A part of me has always been an outer wholeness, a form of the earth in constant development, as its mind in a greater sense. Because it is what I belong to. Where I am. That is from where everything originally emerged, and I am part of it as it also is in the absolute center of my being. And in that sense, I have never been able to find my place as part of the environment that characterizes how we should look at ourselves today, in which it is thought that we should think of ourselves only as features of different kinds of attitudes. Not as a process that is both within us and outside of us. Instead, I have always felt outside the mechanical view of what I should be, and to what my relationship to myself actually is. Because I am part of this psychic architecture that i was borne with, which I cannot convert to our mechanical view of life. But I have learned to identify with it in a number of attitudes that allow me to relate to its character. How it want’s to be seen, which I then applied to it. Faces to put on and take off, because I have not had a physical guide in my environment to give me directions on how one’s true being should be expressed there. So what was my true being was turned down by me for safety when I was younger, but it has constantly tried to merge with that larger whole that it is part of. So in the end, it was no longer possible to wear any of these attitudes, they begun to sound hollow to me, and feel like old worn-out clothes. The human in me rebelled. It really felt like I had to turn back to my being again. To get closer to who I really was. The problem was that it also became impossible to return to any of that which I once were, and to how it also repeated itself all around me. It is easy to establish oneself in the hollowness of people and get anaesthetized, and just reuse old attitudes as identities of what once was. Clingin to hopes that are no longer realistic, unless they are lived through others. Or to ideas that are no longer ours. There is an overwhelming resistance to translate our inner essence into our true personal reality. To find the connection to our beingness again, but anew. Instead, this is where alcohol and immutable or rigid ideals often comes into the picture.