No matter how much I tried when I was young, I had a hard time feeling a real physical presence in what I was doing. My body was there, and it had its own inherent needs, but it was beyond the psychic experience of the totality of which I was a part. They were a bit in opposition to each other. I did not experience my body as a part of, or as a content of, it. My ego instead tried to do the opposite by letting this sense of a wholeness become subordinate and adapting it to the expectations of others. So the psychic experience of an embodied world was never part of the whole I was in. Although the experience of this whole was more intense and more present to me. The physical presence was therefore not a conscious part of the kind of interaction that transforms psychic experiences into physical reality. Which is what makes us feel real. It was not considered as something we needed to have access to from the time we ended up in school age. I never did abandon it, even though I for a long period of time suffered terribly because that was what I really was. Maybe this is the personal madness we all share and have to go through. Maybe there is no other way to find out what we are, what it really means to be there, to be the one who we are. We just have to suffer it out, all the way until we just know. That’s why I now think that excessive normality is a kind of standardized madness. And as a consequence of this, my embodied physical presence in this psychic totality has never been more intense than it is right now.