I can think of nothing more horrible than reliving my own pain, what caused it, over and over again through the suffering I see in the world around me. To continuously produce them and relive my own impressions of them, all the time. By constantly using my own pain as a means of my participation in the outside world. Where nothing will ever change. I will only further contribute to it. As I try to move it away from me and relieve myself from it, to ease the psychological torment it creates within me through others. I see war, famine, abuse of people, animals and the nature around us as a way to ignore it within us and take it out on the world around us. Or to constantly dwell on them to keep them up within me by using others to do it for me. To make it be the connection I ignore or have lost with what constitutes my outer relation to the experiences of my inner person as it is in isolation from others and myself. Like I also try to push it aside by trying to create happiness and euphoria. It is the struggle for the connection to our primal unity we have left undone behind us, because we were once overpowered by people close to us and our world around us. So we deny ourselves to go back to its source because it forces us and others to reconsider what we really are and to dismantle the psychic defenses that prevent us from returning to it. Something we face within ourselves daily. What kind of life is that? On one occasion after six days of meditating, when my body and back hurt like hell from the habit of being in the same position so much and for very long stretches of time, gave me a pain that took over me completely. But just then, as I was about to give in completely to the pain that overwhelmed me, it hit me. My pain was a bodily sensation just like any other type of sensation my body conveys. Whether I experience them as psychic events or physical. They are all something I observe against this unchanging calm background that my awareness of them constitutes. They do not change the fundamental condition from which I experience them. They are perceptions of events I observe based on that. If I allow myself to be all that arises there, if I identify with them, then I will know of nothing but each momentary feeling or experience I observe as something I take over in its place. I will become them and I will completely loose my balance, my person within me, and I will become undeveloped impulsive and instinctive like a child. So I did as I had done until then, I let the sensations pass, and focused on my underlying primal state of equilibrium, and on my breath. The pain faded away and disappeared. I experienced an inner liberation and a powerful invigorating psychic energy that came in its place. I knew something now that I had not experienced in this context before. Only during physical trials incurred during sojourns in the wilderness. But this was not something I could physically overcome by getting through it on those terms. This was something else. Much more pervasive. My inner relationship to my sensations, as the content of my consciousness, that events within me created there in relation to the background that constitutes the underlying holistic sense of unity that the ego, through my inner person, relates to. From slowly losing my posture, and collapsing in pain, I now reached up and regained my original posture. I made my way through the sensations’ embodiment of psychic content and found myself again in the observing background of concentrated equanimity in the sense of this background oneness in all existence. Of being enfolded in that experience which is nonactive, unchanging, eternal, and pure. In this way, even our spontaneity and impulsiveness take on another, deeper meaning. Far from the naive undeveloped destructiveness it usually expresses as the horrors we see repeated in the world around us. Instead, it will teach us something. Both about ourselves and as something we have within us in its relation to what it is in everything else too.